I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
