Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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