Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
its not stalking. its research.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
