I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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