I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
