you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
