I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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