dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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