Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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