Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
