I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
