there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
