her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'm really busy with my period
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