Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
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is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
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He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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