everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
