sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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