I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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