i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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