this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
What a dumb baby whore.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
