Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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