my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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