Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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