I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
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It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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