I look better un-naked...
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
