I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
