I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
