Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
