I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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