I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
