he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
