He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
