i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
