In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I booty called her while she was in labor.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
