So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
