between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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