I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
