sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
