can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
It's official drugs can't kill me
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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