I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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