So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
