Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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