You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
