I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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