The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
