Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
