im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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