I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
