Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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