you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
