everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
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