it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Sorry my hands just texted you
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
