so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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