Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
