Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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