I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
21 Sketchy Drug Deals That Are Scary AF
I think this conversation is over.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime