im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
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A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
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You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.