I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.