Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.