I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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