I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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