I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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